I have a lot of thoughts.
A lot of thoughts that make a lot of sense and no sense at all. But I think most of us are like that, so hopefully it’ll actually make sense to you! XD
I’ve been striving to do better, to live better, to “move my life forward”. I know who I am in Christ (although I’m not always sure where exactly to go) and I want to grow in Him.
I’ve had this drive to learn more than I ever have before, to do more, to be more productive, to be more creative.
I’m only taking one class this semester, so ever since August I’ve been in a tizzy about getting the most out of it before I have a full load next year.
This is the first time I haven’t had to do school (besides my math class…ew…), so I have all this free time on my hands.
Here was my plan at the beginning of the semester:
- CLEP one college class
- Take French lessons
- And singing lessons
- Get a part-time job to help pay for next semester
- Volunteer at our local Veteran’s Home
- Take a free theology course
Guess which ones I’ve accomplished?
Aaaaand this semester is almost halfway over.
I feel like a failure who is doing zilch with her life. And I’m going to take a wild guess and say that a lot of fellow young people feel the same way. Right? Please say you agree.
And before this post gets too whiny, let me jump to the point.
I’ve realized in the past week or so that I’ve been abandoning everything I have worked for.
I wiped my slate clean in a not-so-good way. I was blinded by the thought of a new adventure and forgot to cultivate the old one.
And somehow I’ve become someone that I’m not.
I’ve lost the joy I used to find in curling up with a good book, dancing to music while cleaning the kitchen, enjoying the scent of fall, or doodling in a coloring book.
Because those things don’t seem productive anymore.
They’re not moving me towards “my goals”, so I’m constantly stressed about all the things I’m not doing or not being able to do.
And that is about the stupidest thing I’ve ever thought.
I’ve forgotten who Christ has made me to be in order to make something of myself.
There’s still that little part of me that feels swallowed up by the expectations I put on myself.
I have to be more intelligent than I am.
I have to be more in shape.
I have to eat healthier.
I have to practice my art, my writing, my baking.
I have to read more.
I have to get a job.
And boy, it’s exhausting. And it’s spiritually crippling because I get so deep in the mire of failure than I always feel behind in everything.
But listen, friends. Life is not a race.
Sure, we don’t know how much time we have here, but we need to nurture the time we do have.
A lot of people say to “make the most of the time you have” and I took that to heart, hence the rushing.
I had to make the most of it. Learn the most. Do the most. Etc.
That kind of thinking has left me as a spinning wheel that’s not going anywhere.
So this is a reminder to take a breath. Take it slow. Enjoy life as it comes.
Because that’s what’s important.
Take a step back and examine all of the things that make you, you.
For me, I love to sit under a pile of blankets and watch Netflix, read my Bible early in the morning, bake in the afternoons, listen to my WWII podcasts, dress a little quirky, and paint outside when the sun is golden and the grass is cool.
I enjoy a quiet life.
But I’ve put all of these expectations on myself where I can’t enjoy anything at all! It’s never enough.
And yet, for the first time, I’ve realized that I want to be me.
Not the girl who’s overly ambitious in the outside world, but the girl who cultivates a universe inside her soul and harnesses stars in her eyes.
Not the girl who can rattle off every date in history, but the girl who’s fallen in love with the things that delight her heart.
Not the girl who has a fancy title after her name, but the girl who names all of the fifty squirrels in her yard.
And the thing is that, although the history books might not mention me, I will live a life glorifying God in every tiny thing I do. I will rejoice in being who He wants me to be.
Even if the world doesn’t see it.
Because God does. And he will never forget any moment I spend pleasing him, no matter how small it is.
Anyway, that was a really weird rant but I hope it made sense?? Was a little encouraging??? Idk???
I’d love to hear your thoughts, though! Have you been carried away in the rush of life lately?